How do I want to be remembered when I'm gone? I sit by my windows asking myself this question as early as 4am. I say "I want the world to remember me as someone who did good by the world and by my God." This side is settled but another question seems as important - how do other people remember me? I'm no stranger to falling out with associates (I'm using this word here on purpose). Many a time I've been the one to say "get the fuck out", and more often than not I'm at the receiving end. Don't blame me for saying get the fuck out, our Lord and savior said 77x7 times a day - what can I do when the belligerent enters the 540 threshold?

But seriously, my diatribe (I just want to feel fancy by using this word) isn't about who's falling out, it's about what people say about us when we do. I always say "I never forget how people made me feel." I remember the lunches, the laughs at the side of the door, helps rendered even when it wasn't convenient, and the topic du jour of our generation - the times the bill was covered. My heart breaks a little when I hear people who I speak highly of go behind me and talk about how I was the worst person they ever met. Hey, someone had to be right? Haha just kidding.

But jokes aside - I went looking for answers. I started asking around. And what I found didn't sit well with me. I've been privy to hear stories about myself. How I was horrible, how I never did any good, how I thought only I did right while everyone else did wrong. Because I remember showing up - the midnight hours, documents reviewed, advice given when I had nothing to gain, a seat held at the table for people who didn't even know it was being held.

But somewhere in all that showing up, there was one time I didn't. And that became the whole story. Which brings me to the point of this rant - what does doing good mean?

Where do we draw the line? Remembering those who stood up for us, those who came through in our time of need, the times they said "don't worry, I got you." I think it's despicable and a horrible thing to forget the 99 good things and only remember the bad one.

I didn't write this for anyone to introspect or seek redemption. This is a rant. A personal journal rant about people who take every good part, jettison it, then pick up the bad side and sip and paint with it like it's all there ever was.

When I play the record of my life - beat by beat, scratch by scratch - I keep getting stuck on the same verse.

-How good does one have to be?